Al's' approach to Zombie eradication......or
'Brains: use them or lose them.'
Captain 'Hawk' is away on another covert op. and instead of the usual
deafening silence from this column whilst he's gone, I thought I'd lend
a hand. Have to admit this isn't my area of expertise, but ZWN did make
a compelling argument for my contribution. (They paid me)
So here are some quick tips from me....you are welcome.
1. Spray the spine:
have a rapid firing gun, spray the Necro from behind. Try to take out
their whole spine. Sounds disgusting but I have yet to see a Zombie
still able to walk after it's spine has been shattered.
2. The Flaming
Throw a Molotov cocktail into a closed
pack of Necro's and watch them set each other on fire. They don't have
the smarts to extinguish the flames so they just bump into each other,
igniting as they go. And necros contain a lot of gas. I mean a LOT! It builds up inside them. So boom. They just go up in seconds.
3. Get medieval on their ass:
in a Zombie hot spot? Want a good defense against home invasion? Walls
are great, fences not so great. Think Medieval defenses. Think dug out
ditch loaded with spikes sticking right up. The Z's are so dumb they
will just walk into it, fall and skewer themselves. Never get out. But
you need to clean them out occasionally to stop the pit filling up.
Best possible version would be to make the spikes out of long pieces
of metal rebar. The necros impale themselves as planned, then you torch
the whole pit. Have a Zombie barbecue. Cleans the pit out but keeps
the spikes intact.
other week I talk to someone who wants to use a Samurai sword. Well,
ok. Use it. It's not a bad weapon. Samurai's are shit in corridors though In fact it's just like any other
weapon, it's as good or as bad as the person using it. My only advise
is don't try to hack the Zombie like it's a video game. This is a melee
weapon. Stay out of reach. You go in low. Preferably from behind. From
the stooped position swing at it's ankles. Cut it's feet off. Or if
you cannot get in low then hack at it's knees. It's that simple. Once
it's down it's toast. And stop posing in front of the mirror.
Spray paint in the eyes will blind the fuckers. Won't kill
them but it will disable them. Do not waste your time throwing stuff
at it. (except the Batman sound track LP of course). It wastes your
energy. Creates a clutter that may imped escape and unless it's a
heavy object will not do anything other than attract other nearby Zombies.
the common thread here? Try to methodically disable your threat. Take away it's mobility. Then when it's down, you can rationally
choose how to re kill it)
7. Barbed wire:
home defense suggestion (told you this was random) - Good old fashioned
barbed wire. A Zombie will never figure out how to unravel from it.
It may decide to leave part of itself behind though, so have a second
line of defense if it gets through.
8. This isn't Gladiator:
isn't so much a suggestion. More of a warning. I knew this complete
idiot once who actually welded swords to the hub of his car wheels.
You know, like the Romans did with their chariots. Looked great. We
were all impressed. Till he took it for a spin. The force of the rotation
sent one launching off into space. Fortunately no one caught it on reentry.
The others seemed ok. He drove up close to a group of herding Necro's.
See that should tell you a fatal flaw right there. He had to drive in
close for it to work. It was unnecessary and just showing off. Anyway,
his equally idiotic friend in a camera car catching the action, caught
a blade to their tire instead. It sent the camera car careening into
the pack of Z's. Moral is....well, you can either A. See what the moral
is or B. Your the guy who's thinking how to weld your kitchen knives
to your car right now aren't you
finally, if you absolutely, positively have to
hand to hand fight a Zombie, Do NOT try to fight it at arms length. It's not
a bar fight. Run at it and launch yourself right into it. Head down
and leap. Land in it's chest. Unless it's a fat bastard you will bowl
it over and be able to run past it out of harms way. If you really,
really have to stop it good, then go on and stomp it's head whilst it's
down there. (I know you want to). Don't chicken out half way through
because you will just end up running and jumping into it's arms.
(as Captain 'Hawk' would say if he were here
|Zombie hunters: lets hear your story: Submit it HERE