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'Pretty & Putrid' By Kitty Pandemic
ZWN special columnist
Posted: 5/31/2012

With all of the crazy happenings recently, especially in the U.S., I feel it is necessary to touch on a very important subject: Lovers!

He doesn't have a lover

So… you have finally found that special someone you want to smother with kisses for the rest of your life. Or maybe it’s just some cheap floozy you’ve been enjoying appropriately for the past week. Either way, let’s imagine for a moment that you leave them on an underpass so you can grab a chili-dog and when you come back and they have no face… or perhaps just a chunk on their shoulder is gone. You’re thinking, “really universe! Why does this ALWAYS happen to the people willing to sleep with me?” What do you do? Should you continue on that vacation you’ve always dreamed of? After all, no one wants to go to the beach alone. Your parents have been nagging you to find a nice girl to settle down with otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your life alone. Do you still bring her to dinner? Since you didn’t ask, let me give you my advice…

First, eat the chili dog. (No use wasting food.)

Yes! Do it! Most people would rather eat another person’s face than be nagged anyway… And how can you possibly enjoy a crowded beach all by yourself? Your new zombie friend will solve all of your problems! But throughout it all please remember, that’s not your lover anymore.

Keeping a zombie by your side to fulfill the “plus-one” quota may be somewhat difficult. My book enthusiasts may recall a certain “Zombie-Wilson Diaries” by Timothy W. Long.

Our protagonist finds himself marooned on a desert island with none other than the hot chick on the plane. Only now he finds that she is a zombie. Albeit a hot, hungry and…slowly decaying, gray zombie. What to do? Of course! Dress her like a Hula girl and keep yourself a brain-eating companion. Life’s not so bad with someone to talk to. Especially when they never complain or judge you
The author being devoured by his own creation. You never know when they will turn on you.

Unfortunately, zombies are gross. And where do you think that rotten meal goes after they eat? We learn it takes a lot of unthinkable work to maintain a rotting corpse. Everyone likes to have someone lust over them but at what cost? It’s hard to control your coconut clad brain muncher. Unless.........

You have a Zomcon zombie collar! As seen in the movie “Fido” where you’re a nobody unless you have a collar-controlled ZOMBIE! The collar will allow you to keep your swell zombie as a servant, a weird lover or even a child’s best friend.

By golly this movie is a must see. Yet, I must inform you
that this collar does not exist


Although both are examples of great successes (and might I add a fantastic read and an enjoyable movie!) they are both fictitious. Let’s walk through a pre necro-mortosis date. Shall we?

The evening begins with you ringing the doorbell with one hand while holding a bunch of fresh flowers in the other. You are then greeted by a darling gal with smooth, living skin. Please feel free to alter this scenario to your particular specifications… “Oh boyfriend! You are so sweet, I love these flowers! Let me smother you with kisses Muah! MUAH MUAH!” Wow! What a great start. Off to dinner you go, where she orders a salad and water with lemon because she is very concerned with maintaining the flawless complexion covering her hourglass figure. Later, the date continues with the soft skin of her hand in yours as you enter the movie theater. A few kids yell at the screen and you laugh about destroying them when the movie lets out. Oh Good times! Those kids are really gonna get it. The night ends with a kiss and perhaps a little more. Awwwwww yeah! You’re gonna get some fresh, living action! To quote the now zombie Charlie Sheen, winning!

Not a big stretch for him.

Now a date with the infected…

You ring the doorbell and are greeted by someone dressed as a hockey goalie. Their gender is completely indiscernible but the fear in their eyes is very clear. They carefully hand you the leash leading to your date, who has just dropped a chunk of flesh on the carpet. “Grrrrpppplfffffhhhhhrttt!” Which translates loosely into “I’m gonna get you!” Wow! Better get her loaded into the paddy wagon. You change out of your piss covered pants and off to dinner you go. She orders “brrrrhhgggggssssfrttt” which you believe to be brains, which leads you to fearfully explain that no restaurant in the metropolitan area has that particular dish on the menu. She then continues to groan and thrash and you are secretly thankful for the lack of restaurant-quality brains as you no longer need to remove the muzzle for your dinner date. After you change into a fresh pair of slacks, you carefully lead her by the heavy chain leash into the theater. No kids screaming at the screen this time! They all fled to the lobby in a panicked frenzy. Think you’re free to enjoy the movie now? Good luck hearing over your dead girlfriends moans! After finding bits of her rotting skin in your popcorn, you decide to call it a night. Which is all well and good seeing as that she is still trying to eat you. “Blrrrfghrrrrrfpppt” which means “your family is next” was not the sweet nothing you were hoping to hear. I wouldn’t recommend “hittin’ that” tonight. Maybe you should just go home and change your pants... again.

Going on a date with a living companion involves planning to cater to your personal needs. Who goes on a date without something to freshen your breath? No one does! The people that think their breath is fine are the same people who eat faces for fun. Also, you’re probably hoping the date goes well… REALLY well. So you pack a little something-something to exercise safety during hopeful bedroom exercise. This all changes once your partner experiences a bite-inducing change of their own.

On the opposite end of the mating spectrum… going on a date with someone who is recently deceased is like preparing for an outing with a toddler. Parents have to plan for every disaster in order to have a public outing with limited hypertension. They pack snacks, toys, diapers, wipes and anything else that might help their battle with the fluid spewing fruit of their loins. On your undead date, you’ll need snacks like people jerky to keep those rabid jaws busy and out of your hair...literally. Wipes will come in handy too to help deal with the gooey smear she leaves on the wall going into the theater. Although, the hula skirt shows off the formerly glorious legs, it doesn’t keep the meat on the bone. You will need to haul a pooper-scooper along to gather the droppings. Not really date night fun if you ask me! Also, don’t discount the value of a diaper – frequent changing of the pantaloons has already been covered. Having someone willing to publicly sport a coconut bra is almost not worth it… almost.

In summary, don’t worry kids! There are other fish in the sea and some of them are still alive. I’d look for one of those instead. However, if you think that dealing with an adult-sized, decaying, chomping toddler wannabe sounds like a great night out to you then at least come prepared!

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Read what ZWN's regular contributor and zombie fashionists Kitty Pandemic has to say:

6 Reasons to hug a hobo

Honeymoon in the apocalypse

Fight Club

God save the ho's

Mosquitos suck

That's not your lover

Don't Lose Your Head

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This site is for entertainment purposes only. All stories and events are fictional. Any similarities with persons either living or deceased in purely coincidental.
There is occasional satirizing of prominent public figures. All contents of this site are copyrighted © 2014. All rights reserved.
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