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'Pretty & Putrid' By Kitty Pandemic
ZWN special columnist
Posted: 9/30/12

Mosquito: Foe or Bigger Foe?

Have you ever met anyone who likes mosquitos? Never. Not one. Even animals hate them. They twitch their ears and flick their tails as those bitey little buggers just pester and pester them. Evenbats would rather die off than eat any more of those abhorrent insects.

“Good bye cruel world. I hate Mosquitos!” Wait…. Not this Bat…"

To me, the mosquito is just another reason why I can never leave my home. If my concern over the infected isn’t enough, I spend 10 months of the year (thank you global warming) fearing that these disgusting long nosed bitches are gonna eat me alive, too. Everything is just BITE BITE BITE! I know I’m delicious and also the owner of a very succulent brain, I might add, but I would like to be left alone

Lately, I couldn’t help but notice the increase of “undead neighbors” as well as an increase in skinny little flying bastards. They seem to be rapidly growing at the same rate. Once we think we have one of the populations under control, BAM!! They’ve doubled in numbers… again. Coincidence? I think not. You know what I think? Those little bloodsuckers are working for the brain-eaters! That’s right, the two are in cahoots

I know what you’re thinking and you are just wrong. WRONG! This isn’t just another conspiracy theory claiming the government is behind everything. This one is actually right. Think of all the diseases we know and accept as transmittable through the mosquito: West Nile, Malaria, Elephantiasis, yellow fever, dengue fever and Chikungunya, which I don’t even know what that is but it sounds awful! Also let us not forget the worst of them all Itchybumpyskinitis! That one makes you want to peel your skin off, scoop the bite out of your body and shove it down the throat of the infecting mosquito. Not to mention the paranoia that as you scratch layers of your epidermis away (making it even easier for those purveyors of fine flesh to bite through!), even more of those flying asshats are feeding upon you. If only there was some way to make them explode… A mini nuke? Hmmm…

Perhaps you still don’t see the similarities between the brain craving walkers and those lunging through the air for that liquid libation in that skin covered glass. “Zombies,” as some people call the infected, are dead, lacking all ability to think yet they keep their focus better than any kid on Ritalin. Their primary directive is to make sure you are eaten. Mosquitos: make sure you are eaten. With both cases, they don’t care how many of their brethren it takes. All that matters is that they eat and whatever toxin they carry makes it’s way to you. What’s your plan kid with A.D.H.D.? I bet you don’t have one.

So with the two creatures knowing nothing more than to eat and reproduce, how are we not able to eradicate either? Also, why is it that I can douse myself in Off and mosquitos are not the least bit deterred? I think there is something big happening here right under our noses and it’s nibbling on the back of my neck now.

Kitty! You’re outta your freakin mind! Someone feed you crazy pills today? What’s the point of all this?

Actual archive photo (not Photoshopped )

Glad, you asked darling… Mosquitos infect people, people turn to zombies, zombies make more zombies and create nuisance, Aliens wipe out zombies with mysterious weaponry and finally become rulers of Earth. Nice, clean, simple. Hope you have enough bug spray to take down a horde and enough shotgun shells for a mosquito double tap. If we don’t act fast, we will all become interplanetary pets. I think it’s time to update the bug-out-bags, don’t you?

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Read what ZWN's regular contributor and zombie fashionists Kitty Pandemic has to say:

6 Reasons to hug a hobo

Honeymoon in the apocalypse

Fight Club

God save the ho's

Mosquitos suck

That's not your lover

Don't Lose Your Head

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