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'Pretty & Putrid' By Kitty Pandemic
ZWN special columnist
Posted: 07/01/13

First rule of Fight Club: You don’t talk about Fight Club. However, I’m nobody’s bitch and I don’t need someone else’s rules telling me what I can and cannot do. I do what I want! Yea, I’m talking… big whoop! Wanna fight about it? I hope so. Otherwise you would be a terrible addition to fight club. Seriously.

Despite the obvious thrill that comes with keeping a secret, we need to talk about it. It’s like drinking outta the milk carton when nobody’s looking and then yelling at your husband when he does it later. I know it’s the wrong thing to do but I must drink. Sure, there are other ways to get that cool, crisp, refreshing beverage into my body (say… a cup) but drinking from the carton is the most direct and most efficient. Plus no dirty dishes! Bishes got no time for dishes in the apocalypse! Time is not something we like to waste around here.

Note: If by chance you happen to have a bit of a grudge towards Mr. Pitt right now and are not quite in the mood for a post with any connection to the lad what so ever, I just want to mention… In Tyler we Trust. Just let that marinate right now…

Now that we got that nonsense out of the way, lets get down to our dirty, secret business: Fight Club Assemble! I would love to fight side by side with Brad and Ed (we are on a first name basis) when SHTF. I believe it would be very charismatic and of course, filled with magical psychosis. Based solely on the badass roles they have each played, I’m sure they would be fantastic additions to our post-apocalyptic survival team and our combined cinematically choreographed skills would be unstoppable! No amount of common sense will ever convince me otherwise. I also think that I would look marvelous with sweat glistening off my bosom and with my unwashed locks blowing in the wind. This has nothing to do with fight club but if I was ever to meet these rugged chaps, you know I need to look good.

Sadly, I don’t seem to ever cross paths with these two gents so the likelihood of them being part of our group is slim. This is why it is imperative that we create our own. I’ll tell you why:

1: Duh, Learn to fight!- When was the last time you were in a real fight? I’m not talking about some bickering with the lady in front of you in the food court; we’ve all done that. I do mean a real fight. With fisticuffs and theme music.

Also, those delightful Battle Royale style matches between you and your siblings don’t count either. Learning to throw a punch before you have a hungry fist muncher waiting to receive it is critical. Once you learn to battle your living brethren and prepare for the undead, you can work on your stamina. Yea, baby! I know a few activities to work that one! Two minutes in heaven may be better than one minute in heaven but it won’t be much against a starving mob. In Fight Club, you can test and build your endurance without fearing for your life… mostly. The undead won’t wait for you to catch your breath. Join my Fight club and not only will you get to rock your very own, custom made black eye and coordinating body scar but you will also get top of the line ass kicking abilities. I kid you not. You can be the best.

2: The frequently over looked need for soap- I cannot stress this enough: I will not have any skank-ass, smelly hoes in my group. You need to wash your body. Two-years later, we will spend most of our time competing with other raiders for raiding rights of the corner market. No one will care about the mostly decomposed corpses, too tired to chase a newborn. They want the last can of bamboo shoots because tonight someone will eat squirrel stir-fry! But there is nothing else left to raid; including soap. Don’t just wallow in your filth! Sure even the undead will eventually run from you but so will that cute girl that’s finally of age (strange how these moral dilemmas still plague us…). Learn to make some soap, wash up and prevent the black plague. You may also remember from our classic Chuck Palahniuk fairy tale that the soap was not actually used for cleaning… I’m just gonna leave that bit of info right there. But still - clean that ass.

3: I can be your imaginary friend- I’m not saying I’m just like Tyler Durden but I do look pretty fly in a leather jacket. “In Tyler we Trust” sounds awfully similar to “In Kitty we Trust.” If you close your eyes and say it you won’t even notice the difference. Plus, I never tried to mess with WWZ… In fact, I think I can get you into just as much thought provoking trouble without ever touching the classic. I am not kitten you! We can have a splendid time together. I can do terrible impersonations, I love heckling and I’m a happy drunk. Fun times. I promise no catastrophes till after the apocalypse. No pressure, meow. I want you to be purrfectly happy. Let’s be friends. In Kitty we Trust.
4: Release the Beast!- Who doesn’t have a lot of pent up aggression begging to get out? Anyone? Everyone is pretty happy with all of their coworkers? Just as I thought… we would all like to go a little “hulk” sometimes. Smashing this, smashing that… Imagine having an opportunity where people are inviting you to smash their face! I can think of ten people I would recruit JUST so I can beat them… for training of course…. Then possibly for use as bait later. Fight Club lets these feelings out! Join today. Smash, smash, SMASH!

5: Socially acceptable reason to NOT talk to people- Even though we broke the first rule for recruitment, we return to not talking about Fight Club. No more awkward conversations with soccer moms and neighbors. We don’t talk about it. For those that are NOT in Fight Club, they don’t want to talk to you. Don’t forget: we messed up your face! In Kitty we Trust. High-five!

As you can see, there are no down sides. Joining Fight Club before the end of days could be the one thing that keeps you alive. Not only that, but you would get a chance to get to know your post-apocalyptic survival team, beat the crap out of them and develop a mutual respect. That means NO DRAMA! Hooray! So, for a brief time, talk about Fight Club then begin the beat downs.

In Kitty we Trust.

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Read what ZWN's regular contributor and zombie fashionists Kitty Pandemic has to say:

6 Reasons to hug a hobo

Honeymoon in the apocalypse

Fight Club

God save the ho's

Mosquitos suck

That's not your lover

Don't Lose Your Head

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