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'Pretty & Putrid' By Kitty Pandemic
ZWN special columnist
Posted: 02/24/2012

Brains: Use em or lose em.

Tired from battling the undead? I know I’m not… but maybe you are a little less bad-ass than me. Feel like you are a prisoner in your own home? Like exiting your safe room will end with you in a brain stew? Just because Aunt Gertrude keeps trying to eat you doesn’t mean you need to worry. You really can’t blame her. Have you ever had brains? Delicious.

Now, I’m not saying I suffer from a certain hankering for a hunk of chunky smarts. I swear. I have not been infected. No bites on me! What I am saying is I salivate whenever I see a big nerdy dome walk into the room. “Tender” is not a word solely reserved for their personality. I just want… to lick them. Yea, that’s it. Just a taste, that’s all. Nerds are scrumptious. So we must protect them

Since I know I’m not alone in my desires, many of you have more to fear than just the infected. This also means that just because you are in a safe zone, doesn’t mean you can relax. Unless you have a teeny-tiny squirrel sized noggin. But my dearest Sexy-Domes! You need not fear. There is no need to force your self into reclusion. ZWN wants you to know, there are safe ways to leave your home. So lets prepare to smell the sweet, radioactive air, shall we?

Always allow time to just stop and smell the rubber
What you need, my little Nerd-Pop, is strong, reliable headgear. Not the kind Stan’s sister Shelly had to wear. I’m talking hard-core, toss-you-from-a-bike-and-act-like-nothing-happened, break your teeth off on this, headgear.

Oh, but Kitty, what does someone with exceptional taste and fabulous hair look for in an everyday, post-apocalyptic helmet? Glad you asked, my tempting little gray matter treat!

  1. Make sure it fits! You may have a helmet to make Lady Gaga envious, but if it doesn’t fit, you will get bit.

  2. Coordinate with your weaponry. I know we are not supposed to get all ninja on the walkers but come ooooooooooon! You don’t want your protection to be your downfall by inhibiting the use of, shall we say, “tools.”

  3. Accessorize that beoch! Don’t be afraid to add a little personality. The world has fallen into dark times, why not lighten it up with sequins, stickers and GLITTER!!

  4. 4. Do not forget a face visor! Blocking only surrounding access is great but many of our undead “pals” like to come in for a kiss.

  5. 5. Ensure visibility and mobility. I feel this is obvious but still should be said.
Some of us will be dashing to our nearest haberdasher to have a custom headpiece created but some may not have the allotment of funds for that. You know, with scavenging for food and all. Don’t worry! You can create your very own with odds and ends you find around your homey little shack… and perhaps some skills. Mad dome protecting skills.
Having spaghetti for dinner? Turn that colander upside down and make a crown! Duct tape your steak knives to the outside and you’ve turned your head into a flail. Just imagined wiping out the undead hordes with no more than a turn of your head. Talk about being resourceful. Am I right? Right?...You should know I will eat you if you cross me.

Ok, so maybe the colander is not the best option for you and you would prefer something a little less arts and crafty. A bike helmet is a splendid option. Most bicycle helmets are tested to withstand a two-meter drop, which means they can protect from people teeth. A motorcycle helmet cannot only withstand the impact but often comes with a face guard. Great for keeping the spitty-splats outta your precious little eyes! Oh eyes, the appetizer of choice!

If you are a child of punk rock, you could always forgo the helmet and opt for using your own hair. A few strategically placed “bullet-proof,” flammable spikes could work to help maintain distance between you and the hungry. You would also send the message that you really like to rock! Sure, every one likes to rock but you like to rock while shouting “Oi!” and smashing infected with your custom battle-axe. Sid Vicious would be proud. Especially knowing your battle-axe is made from your axe. Awesome! And to think, you thought you would never make it to another gig.

"I can also pick up satellite radio on this"
Speaking of punk… er… well actually steampunk… Well, if this renaissance of industrial inspired fashion has taught us anything it’s that you can add any thing to a hat and make it pimp! Weapons, gears, sundials, a beer funnel, or even shark teeth. It doesn’t have to make sense or even exist in the world before today. You can adhere a futuristic blaster with a six barrel pistol and a compass that only shows the location of the genies gold to that shiznit and it is immaculate. Strut with a cape and a skull head cane concealing a blade ideal for the beheading of your foe and we shall call you biggest smacker of hoes ever a.k.a. The Grand Swagalicious
Now some of you will go for simple, hopefully drawing as little attention to yourself as possible. Perhaps you will opt for a camouflaged helmet with a ghillie suit. Well allow me to offer you a brand new shiny “meh.” That bores me. Maybe a disco ball fitted to your delicious dome is a bad decision. In fact I think it’s an awful idea. But why must it be all or nothing? It is possible to have zazz without being tacky. May I suggest a custom paint job? Maybe you just need to add a little bow or a few sequins here and there. Something that says “hey, I’m not dead but please don’t eat me!” It’s really not too much to ask.
Hopefully, these key skills for your beautiful survival have been marinating within that mouthwatering cranium of yours. Tomorrow you will leave your safe-room and face the world! You will be brave. You will be beautiful. You will be prepared. Most importantly… you will be delicious. With that big target on your head do you really expect me to not to eat you?
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Read what ZWN's regular contributor and zombie fashionists Kitty Pandemic has to say:

6 Reasons to hug a hobo

Honeymoon in the apocalypse

Fight Club

God save the ho's

Mosquitos suck

That's not your lover

Don't Lose Your Head

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