Damned if we Do, Undead if
we Don’t

Posted 1/16/08

Disclaimer: The following article is the sole opinion of Arthur Helms. ZWN and it's affiliates do not influence, endorse nor are accountable for Mr. Helms opinions. Bookmark and Share

It’s nice to know we’re starting off the New Year the same way we left the old; by waxing politic over our defense against the plague. Apparently, the question I asked in my last column of 2007 has been answered. The question was, “what did we learn?” The answer seems to be, “not much”, at least as far as politics go. I refer to stories about the distrust of the new Undead Defense Regiment (the “UDR”) commissioned by the U.S. military.

Different nations took different tactics when outbreaks first started happening inside their borders. Nations that were well-used to conflict, such as the Israelis, learned early that the plague wasn’t like any other enemy they had ever faced. They developed their own undead rapid response teams quickly, quietly and efficiently. Other nations were slower to respond. Often, they would utilize regular military to cordon off plague areas and would rely on what few of their own countrymen that had experienced the undead in other parts of the world to neutralize the area. Still others would make use of mercenaries and professional “zombie hunters” to neutralize outbreaks in high-value areas. Not only were these courses of action expensive in terms of deployment of large amounts of regular troops and the high cost of real, professional undead neutralizers, they could turn into PR nightmares if they failed.

Flash forward to the waning days of 2007. America experienced its first major, urban outbreak. Eastern Europe and the Soviets still grappled with daily outbreaks. Even Australia, one of the few nations one would think would have many natural barriers to the plague, experienced small outbreaks. In the aftermath of virtually every outbreak, the hew and cry rose from so-called civil and human rights groups as well as from politicians looking for some free TV time via news conferences and talking-head Sunday morning talk shows; why didn’t the president do more? Why didn’t the governor do this? Why did the military do that? The big buzz question in the U.S. was; why didn’t Bush do something in Florida? Now in the early days of 2008, the military unveils our own crack force, the UDR. Now the big buzz question in 2008 is; why did Bush do that? For the President and the military, it comes down to damned if you do/don’t. Now that the UDR has been unveiled, the administration comes under fire for creating a force some of these groups feel will have carte blanche to enter any city and do what they will regardless of outbreak conditions. I would hope that those intelligent and reasonable enough to seek out my words would be above such inane blather. But just in case there may be a few stragglers bumping into these words that may feel the same as these alarmist factions, allow me to shed the light of logic into this dark crevasse.

Kris Sallon of One World Order Watch, asked “With over 97% or more of the population evacuated and almost no Undead sightings in a week, I have to wonder why the government would want to start a massive multi-million dollar military operation at the end of the crisis? I just talked to a guy from FEMA who said he
doesn't think there are more than a dozen zombies left in the entire city. All this for a dozen zombies?” No, Kris. This isn’t for a dozen zombies. It’s for all the undead bodies that may be shoved into closets, locked in attics or floating against storm drain grates in the sewers. I refer you to a previous column where I stated that the government should do exactly as the UDF is being sent in to do; scour every inch of the quarantined area for any sign of reanimates. Not just those walking around, but for their parts and pieces. We don’t know enough about the plague yet. Any infected tissue must be considered a danger, even tissue from the re-killed. I don’t know about you, Mr. Sallon, but I know the last story I want to read is about a child picking up a secondary infection because they found parts of a reanimate in the garage where they had to lock up grandma because she wanted to eat the golden retriever before they were evacuated.

Mr. Sallon also goes on to say; “The UDR is just a ploy by the government to conduct live-fire exercises to train for taking an American city…” Okay, deep breath, everybody. I have some very shocking news for you. If the federal government decided one day that it would simply roll into a city and take it through marshal law with no reason, they would simply do so. We’ve been practicing urban combat for decades now all around the world. A building is a building, a city street is a city street. The appearance may change, but the concepts remain the same. Given the fact that the federal government would already know every street, building, sewer and alley of any city in the United States, a benefit they don’t get when doing such an operation in a foreign city, using the UDF to gain entry would be a silly waste of time. Additionally, all you nutty little conspiracy theorists, unlike many other nations, we as Americans typically have a much better paycheck and lifestyle than our fighting men and women. Many of them joined the military as a way of financing their life goals so they could eventually join the civilian world and have that better paycheck and lifestyle. There aren’t enough UDF troops to hold even a one stoplight town on their own. Do you really think American troops would roll in and take over a city on mere orders alone? Do you think that the bulk of them would fire on their countrymen without a clear, plausible reason regardless of their orders? This ain’t Iran, people. Wake up. It’s a new world out there to watch. It looks like you need to slack off on your tomes of the Illuminati and update the world-watching playbook. There’s a new global menace in town.

Fred Sommers of “Undead Rights” said; The President said today that we are doing little more than sending the United States Army into an American city (Miami) to search every single business and home without a search warrant or probable cause and arrest or kill anyone who stands in their way. What about those who have been infected but have not yet reanimated as Undead? What protections do they have? What are the procedures to reunite the families of the Undead the Army summarily executes with their loved ones remains? What is going to happen to the people the Army arrests? Will they face trail? Will they have lawyers?" Easy there, Mr. Sommers. Take a little sip of Evian and follow as best you can. The UDF is going to be(or was, depending upon when this piece is published)sent into Miami to search for reanimates and their bodies et al before the bulk of the civilians repopulate. There won’t be a whole lot of civilians just standing around, ignoring the orders and sonic emitters of the UDF to worry about getting “summarily shot”.

But before I go on, I feel the need to reiterate a fact that I shouldn’t have to discuss, a fact that nullifies every point Mr. Sommers so eloquently made in his diatribe. The fact is, Necro-Mortosis is 100% fatal, 100% of the time. If you are infected, you will die. If your brain or central nervous system isn’t compromised before the disease reanimates the body, your body will rise as undead and will be carrying the absolute worst communicable disease the world has ever known. No, Mr. Sommers, you lose your rights when you become infected. You see, Mr. Sommers, when you become infected you will, not may, not perhaps, you will die in short order and create a creature that has only two purposes; to kill and to spread the disease. Your rights are forfeit in the interests of public health and safety, just as we do with violent criminals. There are no procedures anywhere in the United States to reunite loved ones with the remains of a mortosis victim, again, due to the highly communicative nature of the disease. And if the Army arrests an American civilian, they won’t be able to hold them past the end of the operation unless the military can prove criminal activity. If so, then yes, those arrested would have representation in a civilian court of law, since military courts don’t have the authority to try American citizens on American soil that aren’t members of our nation’s military.

I know it’s a tough pill to swallow, and my heart aches for the friends and families of each and every person whose life has been irrevocably damaged by plague. But as harsh as it is to all of us, we have to remain focused on the big picture here.



Arthur Helms is a syndicated columnist who has dealt with a host of social and political issues. His previous syndicated column, “Logic, Please?” offered commentary on a host of world-view issues as seen through the cold yet bright light of plain logic, demonstrated fact and simple common sense.

While the academic and political elite often dismissed his commentary as “too simplistic” for our complicated times, his books of collected columns and hundreds of national speaking engagements each year attest to his connection to a readership yearning for simple answers to complex issues. Helms recently ended his syndicated column to sign on exclusively with Zombie World News, providing a fresh, logical,
plain-English view of the plague and to bring some common sense to what many perceive to be a senseless situation.

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