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Arthur Helms is a syndicated columnist who has dealt with a host of social and political issues. His previous syndicated column, “Logic, Please?” offered commentary on a host of world-view issues as seen through the cold yet bright light of plain logic, demonstrated fact and simple common sense.


While the academic and political elite often dismissed his commentary as “too simplistic” for our complicated times, his books of collected columns and hundreds of national speaking engagements each year attest to his connection to a readership yearning for simple answers to complex issues. Helms recently ended his syndicated column to sign on exclusively with Zombie World News, providing a fresh, logical, plain-English view of the plague and to bring some common sense to what many perceive to be a senseless situation.


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Disclaimer: The following article is the sole opinion of Arthur Helms. ZWN and it's affiliates do not influence, endorse nor are accountable for Mr. Helms opinions.

Commentary of the Dead

By Arthur Helms

For those of you who may not be aware, there are groups and factions within the United States that work tirelessly behind the scenes to stem the undead threat to our nation even though America has yet to record a significant outbreak. While I applaud these groups’ resolve and dedication, their ideologies and methods often come up against the law of the land, basic human rights and to put it bluntly sheer common sense. Being an open-minded man of at least basic intelligence, I try to respect the opinions and beliefs of others at least to a point. With this in mind, I have a few, common-sense questions to put to our friends and protectors in the Templars of God concerning their recent actions. I invite the Templars, their sympathizers and their supporters that may read this to respond to the “Letters” forum here on ZWN in the spirit of reasonable, logical and fact-based debate, leaving open the idea that perhaps their ideals contain merit I have yet to deduce. I will personally respond to any letter that has at its center a logical, fact-based premise or theory even if it conflicts with my own.

To the Templars of God, since you have publicly stated many of your core beliefs in a public forum (yes, missives and manifestos made up of individual letters clipped from magazines count), you now open yourself to a public debate of your points. While I will make every effort to take your position seriously in the face of scientific fact and basic common sense, I must ask these questions. You have my apologies in advance if the comparisons made between your beliefs and simple logic casts your tenets and methods as somewhat insane or at the very least nonsensical.

First, do you really believe you are helping to stem the zombie hordes by burning down mortuaries? Let me illustrate. Let’s say we have a real, honest-to-goodness outbreak. I for one would like to know we have people around, not burned to death in their own places of business, called morticians. These fine men and women not only provide a valuable service in everyday life but have extensive knowledge concerning physiology as it relates to the post-mortem, especially considering that all funerary professional associations have been circulating information, procedures and specific instructions on how to care for and dispose of any body suspected of Necro-Mortosis. This type of knowledge and training would be very useful to a community in the throes of an outbreak. Additionally, they’re used to seeing death in all its forms and would likely be able to keep a much cooler and scientific head in the midst of an outbreak than the average citizen. Their places of business would also possess much-needed personal protective equipment designed to prevent contamination from bio-hazards and in sufficient supply to equip first-responders to an outbreak scenario. Logic would dictate that attacking one of the few professions with a solid, real use in a possible outbreak serves no purpose other than to feed the fires of misinformation and civil hysteria.

Second, and mind you I realize this statement smacks of such simple logic as to that of a five year old child, but I certainly feel better knowing that should an outbreak occur, I had people in my town with not only the knowledge and experience in handling the dead (as well as working with infectious and bio-hazardous wastes) but with very large and very hot ovens; ovens specifically designed to reduce a dead (or undead) human-sized body to ashes in a relatively short time. Burning down a mortuary to prevent the dead from rising is akin to blowing up a fire station in an effort to stem fires. Logic dictates that just because two things have a very loose common thread doesn't’t mean that to eliminate one is to eliminate the other.

Now let’s move on to the cemetery attacks, shall we?
I feel compelled by proven scientific fact to ask; why attack cemeteries? It has been proven that a dead body not infected with Necro-Mortosis while alive cannot rise again, even if the agent is introduced to the body directly and purposefully after death. The agent must infect a living, human host so that it can firmly implant in the brain. Dead bodies have no functioning circulatory or respiratory systems nor a living brain to infect, making it impossible for them to respond to the reanimating agent. In respect to your theories, let us suppose for just a moment that the unthinkable happens; an infected person dies and through whatever startling means would need to be present is not handled properly. It then reanimates in its grave or other resting place.

Now, the average corpse is placed in a wood-and-metal casket. That casket is then placed in a cement vault, and then both casket and vault are buried under 4-6 feet of dirt. If there is a reanimate in a grave, they’re not coming out on their own. Even if a reanimate were capable of getting through the casket, and then by some miracle they would get through the concrete vault, they would still have the weight of 121 square feet of dirt and rock to get through before getting to the surface. The undead seem monstrously strong, yes. But this is only because they feel no pain. The average man is just as strong as the average zombie. The difference? A living man feels pain from the overexertion and tearing of muscle tissues, causing a living man to have limitations based on pain impulses. Since the undead don’t feel this pain, they have the full strength of the human body to work with, at least initially. As they use their bodies, the strength that can be produced by their muscles wanes dramatically since they can’t heal their muscles the way the living do. In short, if a reanimate were buried in a grave, and if they could get through both a coffin and a cement vault, they would have no functioning muscle mass left for the arduous and near impossible task of tunneling up to their escape. This means that even if by some impossible chance a reanimate would be in a grave, it would live out its unlife there.

These actions say only that those who would attack mortuaries and cemeteries do so from a misguided and uninformed set of beliefs, or perhaps with other ends in mind that have nothing to do with seeking to keep the nation safe from Necro-Mortosis. To the Templars, you say by your own doctrine you don’t believe that the rising of the dead is found in the Scriptures. Since I’m in no means a Biblical scholar I will accept your authority on this matter. However, if it’s not in the Scriptures as you say, then it’s not Biblical? So, if the dead rising is not Biblical, why quote scripture in your graffiti?

Third and lastly, if you want to do something to help the burgeoning crisis, why not take all of this energy and hidden wisdom and volunteer for the military, police, volunteer fire departments or any number of civil and civic organizations that are making plans… real plans… about what to do if a true outbreak ever hits our nation? You’re obviously motivated, and no matter how asinine your actions and rhetoric have proven to be, it’s obvious you at the very least believe it. Direct that energy into something useful and productive.

Perhaps organize a clothing or food drive for the third-world countries that have been ravaged by the disease. Give to organizations like the Red Cross and other humanitarian aid agencies that are giving their all (including the lives of their members in many cases) in these plague-ravaged lands to help. Or, if you’re really serious about making the world safe from the undead, form your own mercenary group, go to infected nations and destroy the undead scourge first-hand before it reaches our shores. It’s a win-win for all of us, really. You would either be the most devout, fearless zombie hunters on the planet or your basic misunderstanding and misinformation about the plague and your reckless abandon for the lives and property of others would ensure you wouldn't’t return to destroy assets and people that could become quite valuable to America should we suffer as other countries have.
Either way, America wins. And that’s really what we all want, isn't’t it?

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Related reports:
Mortuary attacks in South
Second spate of mortuary attacks
Vigilantes sought in Arizona massacre


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