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No Direct Link Between Undead, Somali Pirates
Somalia, Africa
Posted: 23th, Apr. 2009
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ZWN correspondent - Michael Pacholski

AP – An official multi-agency report released today states there “was no direct link” between Undead activity in Africa and piracy off the coast of Somalia and other troubled regions. In an unusual move, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, FBI Director Robert Mueller, and CIA Deputy Director Stephen Kappes held a joint press conference in the wake of growing public concern about piracy and recently confirmed Undead reports in areas of Africa including Somalia. The report is the result of a year-long study of the correlation, involving dozens of top scientists, ambassadors, military experts and others. Interest in the report in the U.S. grew recently in the wake of pirate attacks in Somalia
“Exhaustive field and undercover research has yet to indicate any links between the recent increase in piracy and zombie-ism in regions of Africa.” Kappes said as Mueller and Gates nodded in assent. “There’s no science to indicate it, no eyewitness reports, only rumors that have so far not come to be proven true.” While generally calm, Kappes took his seat after fielding only two questions. When asked why no one from the scientific community studying Undead in that region was present for the joint press conference, Mueller stood up and showed Kappes to his seat, answering “People appointed to speak for the panel who gathered the research and did the legwork are speaking today.”

“From what we know, which is the cumulative study of troop movements, uprisings, examination of bank records, public health records where available, and other documents, the interviewing of key sources, we have yet to find a direct link between the rise of piracy and the rise in the number of incidents involving Undead in Africa,” Mueller added.

The idea of inter-agency cooperation is nothing new in the Age of Obama, but some in attendance at the public event announcing the release of the report, a brief and sometimes terse 75-page document, wondered whether the idea of an interagency press conference indicated a new era of openness or a new era in us v. them stonewalling.

“This report is by no means the exhaustive, get-it-all-out-in-the-open research the American public is now expecting from its leaders, its government, and the scientific community,” said leading agitator for Undead defense William Pruitt, the head of the Congressional lobbying arm of Americans For Undead Truth. “It’s only 70 pages of them saying “nothing to see here folks.”


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